The road to learning who God is has been one full of mistakes and scars that have sculpted who I am today. I preface the story of my miscarriage with the mercy I have been given because it is a story that continuously progresses and not one where the lessons of my life are independent of each other.
A year or so before my pregnancy I began to ask myself what kind of life I desired and what kind of person I wanted to be. As I looked in the mirror, the woman I yearned for was no where to be found. I also knew I wished for children more than anything in life, but I was nowhere close to being the mother and wife I needed to be. I needed something greater than myself.
A road full of tears and forgiveness, I slowly felt God breaking down my hardened heart and leading me towards a life that I could stand up for.
Every day was a new chance full of mercy and grace. In the midst of God working in my life and marriage, he gave me the greatest blessing I could’ve ask for.
June 1st 2019- my heart had never been so full.
Seeing those faint pink lines was almost a sign that God can make all things new. This is the life I had always imagined. I saw my husband’s eyes full of joy and love.
Being human, fear crept in and I wondered how I could possibly deserve such a precious gift. After all of the mistakes I had made, how could this be possible?
But it was all true. We were going to be a FAMILY! We spent the next few weeks fantasizing about the future- how our parents would spoil the little babe, how our dogs would interact, where the nursery would be. I had many dreams of holding her warm body against mine and feeling the delicate heartbeat in sync with my mine. My cup runneth over.
June 17 2019- our first ultrasound.
There was our little peanut. So tiny, but the love we felt was not. Looking at my husband, I had never seen such a glimmer in his eye. It was all becoming so real. I was a MOM. I had never felt a love like that.
June 24, 2019- A follow up ultrasound.
It felt like our entire world came crashing down. We were told our baby was not growing and had a visible heartbeat too weak to hear. Our baby would never be held in our arms, we would never hear the precious belly laughs or take our little guy to his first day of kindergarten. What was supposed to be the happiest chapter of our lives was ripped straight from our hearts and crushed right in front of our very eyes. We would never be the same.
July 3 2019- I begged God for closure, but there was none to be found.
I went into the doctor fully expecting to be told our baby had left this world. But instead, I HEARD a heartbeat. That is all I wanted to hear from the moment I found out about the pregnancy. But even with the perfect sound of a tiny beating heart, I was left in devastation that our baby was not growing. I asked the nurse if this was normal- she replied “No, your baby is a FIGHTER!”. The agony I felt that day still brings me to tears. I will truly never forget that sound.
July 15 2019 -closure slowly came.
We were told the heartbeat was gone, as was our baby. I do not want to say I felt relief, but a kind of peace that I know can only come from God. I had to trust at that very moment he had a plan for us.
Through the grieving and inner turmoil I have continued to learn about who God is. Not just what he can do, but WHO HE IS.
I have learned Patient Endurance. No matter how tough this day, week, month or year may seem he will give you God-given strength to get through it. There were days where I asked myself “how can I do this?”, but I knew that I couldn’t and that is would take something so much more than my human ability.
I have learned that God places people in your life to “share your burden”.
First of all, my husband has helped me in unspeakable ways. Having someone to feel as deeply devastated and share tears of mourning with you can deepen a relationship in ways I cannot explain. In him I found a true partner and I have faith our marriage will continue grow in God.
Second, my family and friends have given me words of encouragement and support that I will never forget and be forever thankful for. I do not deserve such caring people, but yet God has placed them in my life.
Last but definitely not least, God placed some bold and courageous women in my life that have opened up to me about their heart wrenching journey of miscarriage and infertility.
Having the strength to speak up about some of the darkest moments in their life- these women have immensely helped me have a confident hope for the future. I want to thank every woman that has been bold enough in their faith to share their hardships.
I am genuinely so thankful for the people God has placed in my life.
I have learned that Jesus never promised us an easy life as Christians.
More than anything I have felt God working good through our struggles. He has shown me so much grace and mercy in the past couple years that I have wondered if I am about to max out what can be given. But lucky for me, he can do abundantly more than I can grasp. I can never earn what he has given me, but I can work every day to give me life back to him.
I will fail and I will fall, but I know who will always be there to pick me up.
I will have struggles and hardships that seem insurmountable, but in those moments I will know he is constant and his love is endless. I pray that is always at the forefront of my heart.
I definitely do not have it all figured out, but I just feel it has been placed on my heart to share my vulnerabilities in hopes that it can help someone the way others have comforted me.
I still have moments of complete sadness, confusion, frustration and so many more emotions. I still blame myself for the miscarriage. I still ask God why me? I still wonder if I will ever have a baby to hold in my arms. BUT, I pray every day for healing and growing through this chapter in my life. I pray for joy in the future.
I know there is a greater purpose and there will be a rainbow at the end of this storm.